I don't want to be me today

Ahhhh... I just didn't have the world's greatest day. I didn't realize that until the drive home when I added it all up. It wasn't work - it was the people who work for me. It didn't go well. I just drove home doubting me and the choices that I made, the way things came out of my mouth, how things happened, what happened, and my temper. I've had a really short fuse lately. I think why I am mad is okay - but oh my lanta it does not come out well. I get so angry! and frustrated! I hate having to tell someone something everyday and they think that I am the one with the problem. Today was one of those days and I just left thinking why do I do this? why do I care? Is what I am trying to accomplish really worth all this? At the end of the day, am I proud of who I was?

Love people (heavy on the sarcasm)....

This is a copy of a conversation that took place at the "Blue Crab"at a very inconvenient time - just so you know. Guest: "We do not have an bread and I have already been here and been seated for 7 minutes." (in my head I am thinking 7 minutes? really.) Out loud response: "I apologize about that sir, our oven is currently not working and so it is taking a little longer to get bread out. I have a very expensive service technician here working on it as we speak." Guest: "Do you know how much money I have spent here? $130.42 in the last month and we don't ever get bread." (in my head: seriously. $130.42? running tab? consecutive visits? never get bread? why do you come back?) Out loud: " Sir, I apologize that you are not getting bread at this minute - I am glad that you are a returning guest who enjoys a dining experience here." Guest: "Why can't you hire people and get bread out? There's a photo of fire on the menu why don't you cook it that way?" Out loud: " Sir, clearly it is our desire to get bread for you (not mine) and it is not a staffing issue, we have someone here to make bread (who I am going to have make a special piece for you) and sir that is a photo of a grill and it would give your bread an oak flavor." Guest: " I should have gone to Long John Silver's. (In my head: but you wouldn't have gotten bread their either but they do have hush puppies." And it went like that. And I bought his appetizer, a dessert and he still called corporate. P.S. And he did get bread. At approximately 21 minutes into his dining experience. He did not eat the bread.

Cleared for landing....

I am feeling better! I've been cleared to go back to work. (And in true Kelly fashion, I signed up for extra shifts and will probably overdo it) -( way to have boundaries! ) I had a hard time not seeing people (except for my doctor which does not count) My staff was actually glad to see me - which made me feel better ( don't worry - that's back to normal - I fired one of the favorite people that have been there forever - because he's a crack head - not an opinion it's fact so they are totally back to hating - missed all that negative energy) Anyways, there is a life lesson to be learned. (It's one that I know but don't want to accept - it's super logical too - won't go there.) I AM NOT SUPERWOMAN! ( do look nice in the boots and cape - not the point) I can't do it all, can't fix everything, and there are some things that I cannot change and cannot control. (Even now - tears!!!!) I hate this lesson most of all.

I do not have time to be sick....

So I have pneumonia , not really a good time for it. I'm the girl who still shows up at work on time rain, sleet or hail. I've had to call out of work for the rest of the week. Let me be honest, I was going to go in anyways but my boss called my doctor and they decided that I should take the rest of the week off. It's nice how connected everyone is in West Texas. (sarcasm) I am currently resting b/c I have no choice. My body will not allow me to do anything else. I feel like we are fighting - my body and me. I want to be busy and it's not going for that. I washed my sheets today (to get all the germ particles off) and it wore me out. I had to take like a four hour nap after wards. I'm sure there is a life lesson in all this, maybe when I'm done being mad about being sick then I can figure it out.

Help desk....not so helpful

So I just spent 59 minutes and 42 seconds of my life on the phone with the help desk for my printer. Here's kinda how it went and several of the questions that I got asked: Them:Did you plug it in? Me: Yes. Them: Did you turn it on? Me: Are you serious? Them: Did you plug the cord into a power source? Me: As opposed to what? Them: Are you sure it's on? Me: Really? Them: Did you press the "on" button? Me: I hate you. Them: Let's not make this personal, are their words on the screen? this would indicate that the power is working. Me: Is their anyone else their but you? or are you all like this?

I'm taking a day off....

I am taking a real day off sports fans! I've gone in on every day off that I've had since I started working here. I did not go into work on my day off when I had the flu but it was b/c I felt like death and wanted to die in my own bed, so I don't think that counts. I have three consecutive days off in a row and I am going home! (3 whole days here in WT also known as Satan's home - only to me - is a long time) so I will take to the road and travel. (And it's my birthday and I don't feel old enough to be okay with spending it alone) So I actually tried to prepare my crew and fellow workers to allow me to take a day off. I got a call last week b/c my boss could not find a pen, ten minutes later he called b/c he needed a paperclip, 16 minutes later he wanted to know where a form on the computer was......you get the point. After 7 calls in an hour, I was hostile. Granted, I did rearrange an office that none of them have touched for 6 years but seriously.... I made psycho notes. I left a list of where all the supplies are, I printed off what forms they needed, I made snacks for the Sunday meltdown (occurs every Sunday after the mainstream church crowd leaves and the sinners come to eat b/c they slept through church- these crowds do not mix when dining b/c there's a lot of judging) anyways I left a preemptive meltdown management (and possible postponement) snack b/c I wont be there to deal with the drama and sugar helps. Happy Birthday to me .....I hope my does not ring.....

Cried at work .....

I did. And once I started I could not stop. I even snotted on my boss. He was cool about it. I just reached my limit. I got tired b/c I worked 6 12 hour days in a row, still recovering from the flu, failed our audit, ran out of crab cakes, had a freakishly bad hair day, ignored by my employees and I don't even know what else. It just added up! I've been working like crazy and my other manager's have some ingrained behaviors that are detrimental to what I'm trying to accomplish. I'm firing everyone. If only it were that easy. I really need to keep praying for them. And sometimes that's the hardest thing to do when you really don't like them. I guess mean people need Jesus too.

The battle for middle earth begins

Dear friends and readers, I have the flu. Keep in mind that I am coming from a tired, medicated flu like state where taking my gun to work seems like a good idea. I have the flu and no time to rest so Yes, NyQuil is my new best friend. Okay so the battle for middle earth (also known as the blue crab) begins. Do you remember that line from Lord of the Rings 2? Very profound and very accurate to my work environment. I'm about to fire everyone. I feel like taking my shoes off - letting my feet get big and hairy and making a speech with a sword in my hand. Something rousing like "do this, this and this or someone is going to lose their head." Figuratively of course. I'm going to fire them all. Ever read the art of war? someone is going down to make a point. It's gotta be done.

So I'm a hunter....

Not really. I didn't actually kill anything. I held something dead though. I went out to some land, with dogs and guns. I didn't actually shoot anything either. I did hold a gun. And I drank some gateraide (hunter's drink of choice - just kidding don't really know), and I petted the dogs. I was totally fine until I saw a snake skin. I didn't realize until later that I was wearing gater guards which are made by Nasa to protect you from snake bites. I thought they were for stickers.

8 bottles of bleach on the wall...

The plumbing went out. That does not describe adequately the situation at the blue crab. It smelled like Satan's bottom and I was inches deep in facilitation matter. I did not cover that in my training. I missed the "what to do with poop and lots of people who need too... 101" and more importantly the follow up class "what to do with people who get angry b/c they can't....". And furthermore how to deal with my staff who are hungry, need a smoke, and cannot go to the bathroom. They love me. Best boss ever! At this point they are probably getting me a gift - with a bow. It was such a good night. Words cannot describe....

So work is good....

So work is good...... I mean my boss took away my employees smoke breaks and their right to ring in meals like whenever. Clearly, if they were not taking smoke breaks when we were on a 40 minute wait, wouldn't be an issue. And furthermore, if they did not think that 6:30 on a Friday night was a "good" time to eat a meal prepared in our establishment, they would still have that privilege. And logically, they do not see it like that. I will probably go to the bathroom and get shanked, just like prison.
I'm thinking of selling smoke breaks on the side, little extra cash. For example, hey johnny if you get our guest some ranch dressing and quit offering cheese with every potatoe (it's apparently expensive- cows on strike- somehow relates to the middle east) I will let you have a cigarette.....I'm still getting shanked, just like prison. I should start smoking so that I smell like smoke and they will want one but can't have one.
I hired a bunch of new staff members. Pretty much if you can pass our test and you are breathing. Hired. I have very high standards.

I'm 85...for real

So had my second official day off (keep in mind I skipped my last one due to being an overachiever and going in to work - the Martha Stewart in me never dies) and I just finished a stint of 3 12 hour days. If you would have asked me what I wore yesterday, could not tell you but if you asked me who sat at table 76 and what did they order? Seafood plate with mashed potatoes on the side and their dog eats lettuce. I'm that good or that weird. Anyways, I drank tea, did laundry, and played some games on the computer and recolor coded my closet. I got busy so their was a shirt out of place. How old am I? Seriously... If I start bringing ma chrome (sp?) back, somebody who loves me had better call it. I wouldn't go out too far today b/c their was storm warning on t.v. and I wasn't sure if it was my county or not. And again, their is nothing out here. If it floods, their is not a tree to hang on too. Tornado? It will see you, their is nothing to hide behind.
This place is so backwards. Kelly Clarkson just won american idol here. Just last week. Her song Breakaway just came out here along with Rod Stewarts new hit "Have I told you lately." It's so 1982 here. Wait till you visit, I am taking you to the mall. Not gonna tell you anything else b/c I want you to be surprised when they are still selling plaid.

My first day off ...kinda wierd

So on my first official day off I didn't want to lay around too much even though I work all weekend. So I went for a walk at the local funeral/memorial burial grounds. I thought it was a park, very nice grass. Clearly when I got up close I realized where I was. I walked anyways. It was quiet.
My second stop was at a local bank opening. I have no plans on becoming a member there but they had free food so I checked it out. I had a really good hot dog! They also had balloons and face painting. Got both!

My first day at the blue crab

First day was.....good. If you've ever met me, I have a tendency to want to get everything done yesterday so going in and seeing things that need to be changed and knowing that it's not going to happen over night, is very frustrating to me. I know logically that if I want real change to occur and the people I work with not to hate me and cut my tires - that change takes time. But the fixer part of me wants to go in and lay down the things that need to be done and fire or shoot everyone who does not comply. It's how I'm wired. I'm such a nerd too, I even wrote out a plan for the next couple of weeks so that I can see the progress and so I don't open my mouth and let out what's going on in my head. The sarcasm/honest part of me almost exploded today. Outside I was calm, serene, and somewhat perky. Inside, I was yelling things like "really.....really....". If I hear you reference what you did ten years ago one more time.... I'll take you out sporty style. Lay you out like a line backer. In front of people, don't even care.
But I didn't cause I"m super mature and professional. All those books and classes are paying off.

I went to church...it was purple

I went to a church today and I liked it. Everything was decorated in shades of purple. It was a little more "festive" than I am used too. (Ti Ci will be proud b/c it is a very diverse congregation.) I saw a couple of people I met this week which was good. I met the pastor and staff as well. I liked the sermon b/c it was bible based and applicable to everyday life. It expanded my current knowledge of God. I didn't like worship as much but only b/c I didn't know any of the songs. ( I know that's not a great reason- I can learn them.)
While driving there, I was looking to my left and right at the landscape that could be described as "barren and desolate" the thought popped into my head that God also created this place. The Permian Basin ( what this land is called by the locals) was shaped by God's hand. It also occurred to me as I sat in church today that God also could go to church here. I think it's so easy for me to remove God or at least not associate him with my present surroundings b/c it's not familiar to me.

It's not so bad....

Okay so let's start a positive list. Whenever you go somewhere in town, you always get a good parking spot b/c no one lives here. I just drove 10 miles for iced tea.
Men always hold the door open for you, proves that chivalry is not dead. There is a high ratio of men to women here! I suppose if I'm going to meet one of these knights in shining armor then I should quit wearing my pajamas everywhere. I thought I was pulling the look off, like I could pass for being sporty, like hey, just went to the gym, but I think in all honesty that I look like I am wearing the clothes I slept in, b/c I am.
I get to learn to appreciate the finer side of life - just watched grass grow. See how I am so positive?!

I really live here....really...seriously!

I've unpacked my last box! So I guess it's official, I REALLY live here, in the middle nowhere and a half. Seriously.... I finally stopped crying. I mean so that's good.

Jen, my sister leaves in the morning. She's flying out of the International Airport of Midland. There is no way it's an international airport. There's like one runway in the middle of a very large field. She wants to move here and get a job. Everyone is hiring! And all the money that you make - you can keep b/c there is no where to spend it.